Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thank God for: Lactaid

I’m not what you call a morning person.  In fact, I’m not what you would call a “people” person, either.  But, that’s a tale for another day.  The irony of me not being a morning person is that I love breakfast.  It’s my favorite meal of the day.  I love breakfast foods.  Eggs, pancakes, waffles.  God!  Do I love waffles!  And breakfast meats?  It’s like a smorgasbord of deliciousness.  Bacon, Canadian bacon, sausage patties, sausage links and scrapple.  Yea, even scrapple.  Breakfast is God’s gift to mankind.

mmmmm...meaty. Err...piggy

Most of all, I love cereal.  It’s the perfect food.  You can eat it any time of day or night! So many varieties. So much deliciousness. By all rights, this should be the Glory of Cereal and maybe someday we’ll go there. But, today is not that day. Mostly cause I came up with this idear first.

yea...that about says it all

But, as much as I love cereal, I’m not a big fan of milk.  There’s something inherently wrong with milk.  We’re drinking another mammals bodily fluids.  Doesn’t that creep you out?  I mean who’s the first cat that looked at a cow’s udders and said:  “Shit!  I’m drinking me some of whatever comes out of that!”

gotta get my taste on!!!

Plus, because I love conspiracy theories, I’ve read some really disturbing things about milk over the years.  Pus, antibiotics…ugh.  It’s sort of soured my stomach on milk, as it were.  All that and I’m becoming increasingly lactose intolerant. Stupid milk.

The problem is no other liquid supports your cereal quite like milk.  And I’ve tried all of them.  Water.  Juice.  Beer. And believe you me, all those assholes that tell you that beer is good in your cereal are just that…assholes. 

I know. I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  “What about Soy Milk.  It’s got the consistency of milk.  It even has the word “milk” in it’s name.  So, it must be like milk.”  First of all, if that’s what you’re thinking then marketing really works.  You realize that Soy is a bean.  So, really, you’re drinking soy Juice.  But, hey…if they say it’s milk, it must be milk, right?!?!?

it’s fucking soy JUICE!!!!

But, I digress.

Yea.  I’ve tried soy milk.  It’s about as ungood as it gets.  And before you start, I know that they have flavors of soy milk.  Chocolate, Vanilla and probably even Snozzberry.  It’s still taste like crap.  Fake chocolate (or Vanilla or Snozzberry) flavored soy juice.

But, but, I stand here before you to regale you with the wonders of LACTAID!!!! Fucking Lactaid. YEA!!! And I ain’t talking about the pill, either. I’m talking, honest to goodness MILK!!! Sure, it cost 20 bucks a half gallon. And, yea, if I catch my non lactose intolerant boy Jethro using it in his cereal again, so help me I’ll put such a hurtin’ on him! But, other than that, it’s worth it. Fuck it’s worth it! Just lock it up away from the monsters like I do.

remember that scene in Braveheart when the English cats are torturin’ the shit out of William Wallace? Remember what he screams? MILLLLLKKKKKKKK!!!!

So...I say Fuck You Lactose! I AM enjoying milk again!!! Now those little turds, of mine better not have finished all the Cap’n Crunch. And they better not be drinking my Lactaid. Or I’m bringing hell down on them!

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