Monday, July 25, 2011

Reason 618. You know you're getting old when...

you realize theme parks suck.

For the love of the Christ, I’m getting old. Seriously. Everything is just becoming a pain in my ass. You know how the old folks say that it’s all down hill after you turn 40? I think they’re wrong. I think it’s all downhill when your kids start becoming AWARE. They just want and want and want. They want to eat warm foods. They want to wear clean clothes. They want to go outside. “I wanna do this. I wanna do that. I want a party with roomfuls of laughter, Ten thousand tons of ice cream ” Ughhhhhh! I’m tired!!!

Daddy! I want a oompa loompa!

Take last weekend, for instance. I was asked to chaperone Sarah and Natalia's trip to Dorney Park. In theory, it sounds like fun, right? Well, for the kids it was. But, for their ol’ man? A lot was left to be desired. All that walking, and carrying shit and the heat, and waiting in lines, and the $17.00 for just thinking about a bottle of water, and all those people. Man! What the chicken?!?! I used to think this was fun??? The thing is, not too long ago, I did. In fact, I used to love theme parks. Dang! If there was a way to sell your life away to move into Walt Disney World, I’d be pricking my finger and signing away.

And if she was included? I’d sign my next life away, too!

But now? Ummmm...not so much.  Nonetheless, I accepted the invitation to chaperone. ‘Cause, I guess you could say I suffer from a mild retardation. Here’s the thing when you chaperone, not only are you dealing with multiple kids (which I’m kinda used to beings that I’ve got a hundred kids of my own), but you’re dealing with a bunch of kids you don’t know.  And, of course, they all want to do different things. Usually at the same time.

And of course, with each kid, comes a school bag full of crap.  Which, I suppose, I’m quasi-responsible for. Yea, I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Why not just use one of the lockers? Most theme parks have them.” And you’d be right in that thought. There are lockers, but there’s a catch.

Yea...that’s me. The one with the bags.

A catch that involves money. Is there any other kind? It costs a buck fifty to use the locker.  It’s bad enough that they’re ripping us off on everything else in that park, they can’t cut us a break on the lockers?  Besides, who has 6 quarters on them at any given time?  Ok, so, if you’re gonna rip us off, at least make it convenient for us, right?  Maybe have a coin machine near the lockers?  Maybe?  Or is that just too forward thinking of me?

Wow! Look! These must be lockers from the future! They accept credit cards!!!

I manage to dig thru every orifice in my bag and come up with the buck fifty.  I jammed 6 beings worth of stuff into that 1 x 1 x 1 metal cubby.  Only black holes are denser than that locker. I stick the $1.50 in, grab the key and…nothing.  The fucker doesn’t budge.  Oh, and did I mention that there was no coin return on these lockers?  Weird, right?

My banker friend, Scott, strikes again!!!

 At this point the girls bail on me.  “We’re gonna get in line.”  One of them yells as they disappear into thin air.  Meanwhile, I’m stuck holding all their crap and it’s thrown all over.  And more people are walking by just throwing their shit right next to mine. RRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!


But, the last laugh was mine. ‘Cause I lugged all that crap over to a nice un-shaded tree and waited. And sweated. And waited. And sweated. While the kids in my group rode the Log Flume not once, not twice, not thrice but seven times. But, that’s what Dorney Park gets for not having coin machines near their lockers! I sure showed them!!!

I think...

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