Monday, August 22, 2011

Repost: My boy's first April Fool's Prank

originally published 4/2009

I’m not what you call a “morning” person. Truth be told, I’m not what you would call an “afternoon” or a “night” person, either. But, that’s a tale for another day. I give myself enough time in the morning to get ready and get the crüe up and running for the day. Besides, if I got up any earlier, I might as well not even go to bed. Maybe that’s why I’m not such a morning person.

Who the fuck does, Garfield?

Yesterday morning, I’m getting dressed for another day of laughs working for the man. My son, Jethro, is getting ready for school. Out of no where he asked me:

“Hey, Dad. What are you gonna have for breakfast?”

Immediately I look up at the ceiling, like by doing so the big guy upstairs will immediately send down the patience and strength needed for whatever the boy’s up to. He doesn't though. I take a deep breath. “I don’t know, Jethro. Why?”

“I just want to know. What are you gonna have?” He asked walking into my room.

Because I’m old, and I can’t eat anything anymore. I usually have oatmeal. But, I’ve been feeling crazy lately. I bought myself some Lactaid (again, cause I’m old and I can’t eat anything anymore) and have been eating cold cereal for breakfast. I figured the boy wants to pour my cereal. Already, I’m thinking of the impending disaster of him getting my breakfast together. So, before one word leaves my lips, I’m already backpedaling. I told you I wasn’t a morning person.


                                          Yea. Don’t fuck with me in the morning!

“I guess some cereal. But, I don’t know if I’ve got the time.”

“What cereal, Dad?” he asked standing right next to me. Like he always does. Like standing right next to me will get my attention that much faster.

“I don’t know, Jethro.” I said, trying to contain my aggravation. Can’t I just get dressed in peace?!?!? Can’t I do anything in peace?!?!? He’s been up my ass since I opened my eyes this morning. “Life, I guess.”

“Okay.” He replied and scampered away. Before I could respond, another one of my little mindfuckers distracted me with some other pressing problem. Jericho, my 5 year old, was asking me again whether China was serious about pursuing a world standard in currency. I gave him some pat answer and finished getting ready.


By the time I finish getting ready for work, I’ve only got a few minutes to eat. Jethro’s already at the table, helping himself to a sixth bowl of Lucky Charms. I grab a box of Grape-nuts (because I’m old and I can’t eat a fucking thing anymore) out of the pantry and pull up a bowl at the table.


“What, Jethro?” I asked a bit startled. I keep telling you I’m not a morning person.

“I thought you were going to have Life cereal”

What is up his ass?? “I am, Jethro. I’m just gonna jazz it up with some Grape-Nuts. Is that ok?”

“Oh. Ok.” He replied, turing back to his cereal.

Me and Grumpy here will totally kick your ass!

I probably would’ve wondered what was up his ass, but Jericho started in on his thesis why tax cuts would stimulate the economy. That kid is such a fucking Republican. Anyway, as the kid is ranting, I grab the box of Life cereal and start to pour way more than the recommended daily allowance. ‘Cause that’s just how I roll. As I go to add the Grape-Nuts for some spice, I look down at the bowl.

“WTF!?!?!?” I exclaimed.

Jethro nearly choked on this Lucky Charms he was laughing so hard. My cereal bowl was full of Fruity Pebbles. I look over at the giggling idiot, then at the box of Life. “I switched them, Dad.” Jethro said with a faux marshmallow grin.

“Ahhh...I see.” I said, smiling at him. That’s my boy! Already becoming a prankster. “You think of this by yourself?”
“Yup.” He said, proudly. “April Fool!!!”

“Joke’s on you, biotch.” I got up from my chair. “Today’s the 31st. Tomorrow’s April Fools Day.” I said as I grabbed his underwear and yanked them so hard, I think he’s still pulling the wedge out of his ass.

I told you I’m not a morning person.

Da fuck you lookin’ at?

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