Thursday, August 4, 2011

Thank God For: Air Conditioning

Let me ask you something…what’s more annoying:  the wind chill factor or relative humidity? Don’t answer that.  It’s a trick question!  They’re both equally annoying.  Just depends what season you’re suffering in.  Cold is cold and hot is hot.  So, maybe, we can just stop fooling ourselves with these “feels like” factors?  And right now?  Believe you me, it’s god awful hot.  So why don’t we all take a moment and give a huge shout out to the big guy for blessing us with air conditioning.

Man!  I love air conditioning!  Sure my electric bill quadruples in the summer.  Sure air conditioning is probably the cause of a zillion diseases worldwide, what with all the chemicals and bugs and bacteria and virus it circulates through our houses.   But when the relative humidity is about 125 degrees?  I say dial that air down a few more notches. Thank you very much!  Toss in a few more bacteria/virus combos, if you like.  I’ll suffer with legionnaires disease blissfully cold.

How did folks live without it through most of human history?  There’s two things I’ll probably never understand about human history.  One…who the first dude was that looked at a cow and said…I’m drinking me some of that!  And two:  how mankind lived without air conditioning for most of mankind.  Seriously.  Think about it.  Modern air conditioning wasn’t invented until 1902.  And really didn’t start becoming a household item until the 50’s.  The fifties!!!  WTFMFF?  That’s only 60 odd years ago, people!  60 ODD YEARS AGO!!!  If the first human magically appeared 250,000 years ago (depending upon your religious/scientific beliefs) and modern air conditioning wasn’t wide spread adopted until  the 50’s?  God damn!  That’s a long fucking time to be wandering in the desert. 

I was listening to NPR the other day.  Yea…that’s right.  I listen to NPR.  You got a problem with that?  No?  I didn’t think so.  Some cat wrote a book about how we have to stop using air conditioning.  Now, everything this guy says in this book is probably true, except that part on climate change (cause I just don’t believe in that crap.  It’s a farce.  Yea, yea, yea…I know what all the scienticians say.  I know all about the extreme weather we’ve been having the last few years.  I just don’t believe in the re-branded global warming.  I’m not saying we should squander our resources or rely only on “fossil fuels” (another farce), or not be all around respectful citizens on a planet we’re merely renting for the handful of decades we’re alive.  I’m not saying any of that.  I’m just saying I don’t believe in climate change.)  But, I’m telling you right now.  I can’t do it.  I just can’t do it.  In this heat…with no air?  Right…Mr. don’t-use-air-conditioning-writer- dude! Right…

Let me tell you something…without air conditioning, my prima donna ass would be bitching and whining more than your kids when you leave Target because you didn’t get them the box of Cookie Crisp they wanted (cause I know that my kids aren’t the only ones who bitch and whine when I leave Target because I didn’t get them the box of Cookie Crisp they wanted).  I’d be sweating through my clothes like nobody’s business.  Whatever resources I’d save on not using air, I’d end up using double the resources cleaning all my clothes from SWEATING SO FARKING MUCH!!!!  So, why fix what’s sorta not broken?  And how about we dial that air down a few more notches, thank you very much.

And for all this, I express my total and utter appreciation of air conditioning. 

If nothing else, you gotta at least respect the fact my opinion hasn’t changed over the years.

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