Friday, September 23, 2011

Planet of the Jakes: The Prank Call

Kelly Marie and I were laying around, watching TV one night when there was a knock on the slightly ajar bedroom door.
I looked over at the clock on the nightstand.  8:45. “Shouldn’t they be in bed?”  I said to Kelly Marie
“Stop it.”  She nudged me in the stomach.  “Tell him to come in.”
“No!  I’m off duty.”
“Whatever.”  Kelly Marie said to me.  “Come in.” She called out.


“Here!”  Jakob said, my cell phone leading the way as he burst into my room.  “Here, Dad.  Phone’s ringing, Dad.”  No.  I’m not being repetitive.  That’s just what my kids do.  Repeat “Dad” enough times to make me insane.  It usually bookends any statement.  Like:  “Dad, can I have a drink? Dad?”  Or “Dad, can I stay up til 3 in the morning?  Dad?”  Or “Dad, how stupid do you think it is that they call the current global economic state the ‘Great Recession’?  Dad?”
“Okokokok.”  I took my cell phone from him.  Looking up at me from the phone’s screen was a picture of Jethro.  Great.  What does he want?  Any why is he calling me if he’s in the house?  And why did his mother have to get him a phone?  And where the hell did Jakob just disappear to?  “Hello?”  I asked.
The line was silent.  “Jethro?”  I said, looking at the phone.  Nothing. 
“What’s going on?”  Kelly Marie asked, looking slightly baffled.
“Dunno.”  I shrugged.  “Jethro…”  Just saying his name explains everything.  “He’s in the house, if he wants me, he can come up and get me.  Why can’t he just scream my name through the house like every other normal kid used to?”  Rolling my eyes, I ended the call.  But, no sooner did I turn my attention back to the TV when my phone starts buzzing.  Again.
“Jethro?”  Kelly Marie asked.
“How’d you guess?”  You don’t understand.  He calls/texts me all the time.  All the time!  Why?  I don’t know.  Like the other day.  I was at Beezer’s back to school night.  And he calls me.  I don’t answer, cause I’m in the middle of trying to stay awake at this teacher is rambling on about god knows what and I really love back to school nights.  So, the boy texts me.  What does he want?  To tell me the remote control just lit up out of no where.  Great.  This is one of the many problems with giving a ten year old a cell phone.  “Hello?”  I said.  Again.  No, I didn’t even bother to try to hide my annoyance.
Nothing.  Silence.  I looked down at the phone.  Yep.  Still a live call. “Hellooooooo?  Jethro?”
“You want a free pizza?” the voice on the other side said. 
(Spoiler alert!  It was Jakob.)
“Who is this?”  I asked playing along.
“You want a free pizza?”  I’m sure he was going for something that sounded adult like, but he came across sounding more like a baby monster than anything else. The kids got such a high pitched voice.  Sorta like Stuart from Mad TV.

                                   sorta like that...only a little shorter

Kelly Marie stared at me.  “Who is it?”
I held the phone away, giggling.  “It’s Jakob.”
“What’s he doing?”  she asked, my laughing starting to infect her.
“I don’t know.  He’s asking if I want a free pizza.”
“Didn’t he just come in here?” she asked, really laughing now.
“Yep.”
“There’s really something wrong with that boy.”  She said, reaching for the phone.  “Give me the phone.”
“No!” I laughed as she poked me.  “No! I do not want any of your delicious pizzas.”
The phone went silent for a moment.  “What’s he saying?”  Kelly Marie asked, trying to get an ear on the phone.
“Nothing yet.” I whispered.
“You’ve been pranked by Jakob Gormley.” Jakob said in something of an official tone.  And then hung up.

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