Friday, September 16, 2011

When did Pepe Le Pew move in?

In our everyday life, how many animals, besides your kids, do you have an interaction with?  A handful, right?  Dogs, cats, birds, chinchillas.  There’s also the animals you see at the zoo.  Or the aquarium.  Then there are the delicious animals you see on your plate.  Otherwise? Animals don’t exist in our world, right?  This is our planet!  We’re above animals. We live in houses.  That’s our lawn to mow every other week (sometimes every third week if you’re lazy like me).  Not some random animals’ cafeteria.  Animals belong in zoos.  Otherwise, they don’t belong.  Birds can have the air, as long as they don’t shit on me, my car or my belongings.  Otherwise, I don’t even want to see an animal.

                                      The reason animals exist
We seem to have some sort of skunk issue here in beautiful downtown Ben Salom.  I mean, it’s really hard to understand why.  Just because we cut down every tree/forest a couple of years ago, to put a house on every square inch of earth imaginable, doesn’t mean the skunks can have free run of our lawns.  Right?
So image my surprise when one evening while sitting on the front stoop, I ran into a skunk.  Actually, imagine my surprise when the skunk ran up on me…
It was a summer evening like any other.  Kelly Marie and I were sitting on the stoop , the dog sitting between us.  We we’re yapping (Me and Kelly Marie.  Not me and the dog), minding our own business. Watching the fireflies light up the trees in the distance like lights on a Christmas tree (Pretty god damn poetic of me, ain’t it?).  Getting bit to shit by stupid mosquitoes.  Just a lazy summer evening.
For whatever reason, I looked over to the side of house and walking over to me was…a skunk.
Yea…that’s right.  A skunk.  Let me tell you something, that thing was thisclose.  I could’ve reached out and pet it.  The closest I’ve ever been to a skunk is when I almost hit one going home one day from the folks one night.  The kids say I hit it, but I swear, it was just a love tap, from my 2004 Town and Country.  Hey!  Don’t give me that crap.  I’m not that kind of person.  I just don’t hit…er, love tap, animals for sport.  The fucker came out of nowhere.  It was a good on the job lesson for the kids, though.  Look both ways before you cross.

     Playing the part of the minivan in the recreation of skunk love tap incident is this…

Anyway…the skunk and I looked at each other..startled.  Like two people minding their own business, walking through Walmart who suddenly bump into each other, who don’t necessarily want to bump into each other.  Well, that was us.  The skunk out taking an early evening constitutional, looking for some food and all the sudden?  It rolls up on us. 
Keeping my eye on the skunk, I grabbed the dog.  Not that he was gonna do something.  He’s blind in one eye.  That skunk could’ve walk right in front of that dog, and he still wouldn’t have known he was there.  Stupid dog.  “Be quiet.” I whispered at Kelly Marie, putting my arm out across her like I was stopping short in the van.  And, No!  I didn't grope.
“What?  What is it?”  She asked looking around me.
I waved her back.  “A skunk. A skunk.”  I said, not taking my eyes off it .  I grabbed the door handle behind me and open the door slightly.  “Get inside.”  I whispered.
I waited for that fucker to turn.  That’s when all bets are off and you get the hell out of dodge. Cause skunks don’t spray from their eyes.  However cool that would be in a superhero way, that’s not what they do.  They spray from their asses, k?  Just a tip from your friendly neighborhood Jman.

                                  It’s getting ready to fire!
The skunk kept its beady little eyes on me as it took a step back.  Then another.  And another.  Actually, it was pretty reminiscent of the moonwalk.  When it was about 10 feet from us, it turned and ran. And I bolted in the house.  Yes…with the dog.  I wasn’t going to leave him out there to chase the fucker.
And that was my second encounter with a skunk.  So now, Kelly Marie is totally paranoid about going out front anymore at night.  I have to personally escort her with several high power flood lights to her car, just in case the skunk happens on her.  I don’t know what she thinks I’m gonna do.  I see that skunk’s ass, I am outta there.
Remind me next time to tell you about the moth balls…

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