Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Do Not Listen to Me: Hot Rod

Way back when, back when the kids were younger we used to have Saturday night movie nights.  We’d all gather around the TV with our snacks, put a movie in and then the kids would proceed to ask their ol’ man 50 million questions about whatever was on the screen at any given moment.  I shit you not.  From the time the movie started to the end, it would be a nonstop barrage of questions.  I can’t tell you how many times I would have to stop a movie to have a Q and A session.  And it’s not like I’m talking about deep movies here.  I’m not talking A Scanner Darkly.  I’m talking:

 “Dad.  How did Peter get his spider powers, dad?”
“Are you watching the movie?  The spider bit him.  That’s how.”
“Dad.  Is Peter’s Uncle Ben gonna die, dad?”
“How about we watch the movie and find out?”
“Dad. Why does Peter have organic webshooters and not mechanical ones, dad?”
Pause the movie, lights on.  “I don’t know.  Blame James Cameron.  Any other questions?”
It’s usually at that point I want to stick my head in the oven.  Yea…I know it’s electric (boogie woogie woogie), but it still gets pretty hot in there.
Picking  a movie that 5 of us were remotely interested in week after week wasn’t easy, believe you me.  Talk about an age gap.  One night, in complete despair, I picked the movie Hot Rod.  And the rest, unlike this article, is history.  
Hot Rod came out in 2007.  I vaguely remember seeing commercials for it on TV and being amused.  Which, I know.  I know.  Isn’t much of a stretch to make me amused.  I’m still cracking up about the line ”…some of my best friends have chocolate crème in them.”  If something makes you crack a smile, I guarantee I’m busting a gut.  Some folks think I have a problem.  That my humor mechanism doesn’t have a filter.  Me?  I like to think that I’ve just got a good sense of humor. 
These days?  Whenever we’re all bored, someone is bound to say…Dad.  Let’s watch Hot Rod, Dad.  Now look, I’ll be Frank, it’s not a great movie.  It’s a really, really stupid movie.  But, god damn, that’s what keeps us coming back each and every time.

                                      I won’t be this Frank, though
 I swear it’s got the best lines in it.  Every time we all pile into the minivan, I still say, before starting up the engine (that is when I don’t turn to Sarah and ask:
“What did one shepherd say to the other?”
“Let’s get the flock out of here?” She’ll reply.
“No.  Let’s get the flock out of here.)  ”Let’s jump this jump”.
Actually, one of the funniest uses of a line from Hod Rod came from Sarah, who unfortunately for her, doesn’t have my lack of filter humor.  But, this one time…she nailed it.  It was one of our daily trips to our recently renovated Mecca.  Sarah, walking toward the four of us from the bathroom she had to “visit”, blurts out…”You guys.  The bathroom here is nuts!”  I was still laughing about that when we left Target 6 hours later.
For your reading pleasure, and to up my word count…here’s a sampling of some of the other great lines from the movie.  This first being my personal favorite:
“I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!  God! I go to church every goddamn Sunday! But, you gonna bring the demons outta me!”
“Yoo-hoo, shit heads, I found this bag of fireworks in the men's restroom. Would you guys like to light them off?”
This is my hat now! This is totally my hat!”
“I'm kinda grumpy today, dude. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was having those dreams again. Ya know, how it's just me in a castle and I gotta fight, like, a thousand wizards and the only way to beat them is to punch them as hard as I can in their faces. Then, when I'm done, all their little wizard wives came out and wanted me to have sex with them - which is kinda weird.”
What’s really awesome is that those four quotes all come from the same character.  God!  I love Danny McBride (in a purely platonic way that is).
And just to back me up here about Hot Rod, the folks over at named Hot Rod one of the most underrated films of the last decade. But, please, do me a solid…don’t rent it.  You’ll totally hate it, then send me stupid emails, blaming me for not only ruining your movie night, but how I probably broke up your family, too.

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