Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Can't Drive 299,792,458 Meters Per Second

“Hong Kong physicists say they have proved that a single photon obeys Einstein's theory that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light -- demonstrating that outside science fiction, time travel is impossible...”
Over the summer, this news appeared all over the internets.  And let me tell you, it really annoyed the shit out of me.  God!  Stupid scienticians! Ruin everything!  It’s bad enough we don’t have hover cars, or jetpacks or naughty robot maids like they’ve been promising since the 20’s.  Now we can’t travel faster than light?  WTF?!!?  Maybe if these scienticians weren’t so frigging busy trying to clone dinosaurs, we’d have some decent tech around here. 
Now look, I’m a pragmatist.  I realize that the only way I’m getting off this rock is when my soul departs from my body.  And by then, I won’t even give a shit, what with the 72 virgins and all.  But seriously?  What about our children?  Will anyone think of our children?  If we can’t travel faster than light, we’re never gonna get anywhere!  Anywhere!  How the hell is Jakob ever gonna get back to the home world?
But, just when all hope was lost.  Just when I was gonna lose myself in a binge of microwave popcorn, Pepsi Max and internet porn, there arose a glimmer of hope from the internets:
“Physicists on the team that measured particles traveling faster than light said Friday they were as surprised as their skeptics about the results, which appear to violate the laws of nature as we know them.”
Pow!  How you like that, Mr. Hong Kong scienticians!?!?!  Wanna see my right hook now?  Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light?  Nuts to you Einstein!  E=mc2?  I got a new equation for you.  Einstein = suck it!
Yea, yea, yea.  I know.  I know.  I know that all the other scienticians that aren’t busy cloning dinosaurs are picking their panties out of their collective butts because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light or say they think.  Blah, blah, blah.  Listen, if nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, how do they explain the aliens living amongst us, watching us when we get friendly with ourselves? Haven’t any of you seen the documentary They Live? Did those aliens just walk the 1.5 billion light years to get her?  I think not.  They used wormholes, or blackholes or carbon nanotubes or whatever to get here.
Stupid scienticians.
Now if someone would just start working on those naughty robot maids.  My house is a fucking mess!

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