Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Do Me a Solid, Don't...see these movies.

X-men: First Class

Admittedly, I’m a fan of superheroes.  Yea, that’s right.  I’m 40ish years old.  And a good superhero story still does it for me.  I cry like the little bitch I am when the bad guy is putting the hero down. And, likewise, screaming for joy when said hero gives said bad guy a root canal (through his ass).  What can I say?  I have the emotional capacity of a 10 year old.  Are you kidding me?  I can’t even watch wrestling, I get so emotionally involved.  And, yea, I know that the outcomes are scripted.  What do you want from me?  I already admitted I was an emotional cripple.

With the exception of Spiderman, I’m known as a “DC” guy.  Everything Marvel?  Blows in my book.  Ok…wait, let me rephrase that…growing up, that’s how I felt.  Now?  Oh Marvel still blows, but they put out great movies.  I begrudgingly go, and even more begrudgingly enjoy their movies.  So much so, I can’t seem to keep my panties on about the Avengers movie, slated for next year. 
Now, do I think the Avengers movie should be the Justice League movie?  You’re damn right.  Does Warner Brothers not know how to tell a story using the best superheroes ever created…you got it.  Do I want to see a Justice League movie now?  Nope…cause the Avengers is gonna do it right.  Damn you Warner Brothers.  Damn you to hell.
Of all the superhero teams out there, I like the X-men the least.  They just don’t do it for me. Too many characters, too many mutants, too little time. However…X-men:  First Class?  Great movie.  A lot of fun.  How they tied the story into actual historical events?  Very clever.  Very clever indeed.
Little spoiler action ahead.  Be warned.  You can come back to this paragraph after you watch the movie.  Don’t forget now!  I’ll be waiting right here for you.
Did you see that lobotomy by coin scene?!?!  How messed up was that!  Fucking twisted!  Who thinks this shit up?  I must’ve watched that scene at least four times.  Seriously disturbing.  And, the part with Wolverine?  Classic!  I was cracking up!  “Fuck off”
Alright, you can start reading again. Spoiler’s over.  So, to quickly summarize, do me a solid, don’t see X-men:  First Class.
The Fighter

And speaking of Batman, Christian Bale is one of the characters in the movie, The Fighter (like how I did that?  How I just tied these two movies together?  In the biz that’s called synergy.  Or is it serendipity?  I forget which.).  Now, I’m not a big fan of Christian Bale.  He just seems…I don’t know.  Like a jerk.  Look, Chris, if you’re reading this, I ain’t saying you are.  I’m not trying to hurt your feelings.  I build up.  I don’t tear down.  You just come across as a bit of a tool.  Maybe I’m just using you as my mirror, ya’know?  That you’re just reflecting the jerk that’s inside of me.  Doubt it, but I’m rambling.
Bale, though (and Mark Wahlberg and Amy Adams) plays a good part (and you almost…almost get to see Amy Adams’ ass.  Not that I was desperate to see it, as Kelly Marie has been ribbing me since we watched it, but hey…I’m just curious.  At one point Amy Adams has on just a t shirt.  And she walks in front of the camera.  I mean, it’s right there.  That t shirt had to have been taped down.   Is it wrong to be curious what the butt looks like?  I mean ¾ of the movie Mark Wahlberg doesn’t have his shirt on.  So much for leaving it to the imagination, ladies.  Not that I’m threatened or anything.  I work out.  I’m just saying.  You make a comment about seeing a little butt and the next thing you know, you’re being teased about seeing everyone else’s butt.  Like Jordana Brewster’s in Fast Five (no, you don’t.) or Emma Stone’s in Easy A (nope) or Kelly Ripa’s every day on Regis and Kelly (sorry. you didn’t miss a wardrobe malfunction) or that extra large woman who wears yoga pants while shopping at Walmart.  You know the one.  The one who looks like she’s carrying rocks in her pants?  Yea…that one.  And, no, Kelly Marie, I don’t want to see her butt, either.  I’d much rather get my teeth scrapped after not brushing for a few months).
The Fighter is based on a true story, which is to say, about 5% of it is accurate.  No matter, it’s still a good story.  It’s even got a feel good ending.  Unlike that Million Dollar Baby movie.  Sheesh! Talk about wanting to kill yourself.  Ugh!
So…do me a solid, don’t see The Fighter.


  1. Awww I'm afraid I loved X-men: First Class, it was certainly better then the others. But then I have been an x-men fan for a long while now. I also like the DC universe and also am desperate for a Justice League film, but first I demand a Wonder Woman film, as she is my all time favourite. As a fan of both I think I am attracted to Marvel because of the more personal character storylines, they tend to be living a (fairly for a superhero) normal life with personal weakness and I am attracted to DC the superhero 'gods' stories.

  2. what i don't get is why is it so difficult to get a WW feature off the ground. the linda carter show was decades ago. i just don't get why they can't get a decent story together and put it on the screen already.

  3. I'm with Becpuss, I loved X-men: First Class too. I'm looking forward to the Avengers... and I'm a 40ish chic. However, a movie about the Justice League vs. Avengers would be a box office wet dream, don't you think?

  4. I'm with you on First Class and definitely with the Avengers. Now, look, I love the Justice League. But, I don't have the least bit of faith in WB to put anything quality out, let alone some sort of crossover event. Let's see what the new Superman movie looks like, then hope for more.

    yea...i'm a lil pessimistic. :)