Friday, November 4, 2011

Repost: Book from my kids’ room: The Monster at the End of this book.

I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  Repost?!?!?  Already?!?!?  WTF?!?!?  Someone’s on the path to not writing anymore.  First of all, if that’s what you’re thinking…then get your free content elsewhere, k?  Secondly…although it may look like I’m cherry picking off past success here, I’m not.  It took a certain amount of preparation to get this repost up to snuff.  Fix broken links (no free loadin interns working here), edit the post (Whew!  Someone had some anger issues way back when), etc.  Why put the effort in for an old post?  Because it’s funny as shit, that’s why.  So, without further ado, buckle yourself down in the wayback machine.  We’re heading back in time.  The year was 2005.  George W was inaugurated into his 2nd term of screwing up our country.  Live 8 totally blasphemed it’s 20 year old predecessor, Live Aid, with unadulterated marketing/merchandising/whoring spectacle in the guise of ending poverty and Fadderly was an angry, not so young man writing as the Juice…



Book from my kids’ room:  The Monster at the End of this book.




Spoiler alert: Grover did it!

One of my all time favorite kids books is The Monster at the End of this Book (starring lovable, furry old Grover).   This book is like the Amityville Horror for the 3 to 5 year old set. It continues to scare the crap out of Barbara and Jethro (editor’s note:  Barbara is one of the many names Natalia has been known by). Half way thru the book the two of them are near tears from fear. And they know how the book ends! It ain’t a surprise to them. I swear to the Christ, the first time I read this book to them, they didn’t sleep for a week! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Kids can be incredibly stupid.

The name of Grover’s game with this book is mind fuckin’. He’s a total sociopath, from the get go, messin' with your puny brains. And this ain't me talkin'. That’s Grover’s rep preceding him. Behind closed doors, that is. Oh, he plays a good game of stupid to your face, but believe you me, he ain’t. He’s stupid like a fox.  He’s teasin’ you with the ol’ “This is a very dull page. What is on the next page?” And like the bitch you are, you fall for it. Yes, Grover, I wonder what IS on the next page.

 

Just like a dude who lost his helmet in a motorcycle accident, Grover pulls the ol’ “WHAT DID THAT SAY?…Did that say there was a monster at the end of this book?” Like he wasn’t payin’ attention! That’s what Grover is all about. He shows you what’s in the right hand, and by the time you remember about the left, he’s got your money, your car and your woman.

He then spends the next few pages “tryin'” to convince you not to turn any more pages. What he’s really doin’ is eggin’ you on. Oh, he begs and pleads a good game, but he’s just settin’ you up. And as usual, you fall for it like a large mouth bass...hook, line and sinker!

 

At this point, Grover turns it up a notch. First, he starts tyin’, then boardin’ pages together.  When that fails, he turns to my personal favorite: bricks and mortar. Yea, that’s right. Grover goes out of his way to build “a heavy, thick, solid, strong brick wall” all in attempt to stop you from turnin’ pages and gettin’ to the end of the book.

It’s funny, though. After each attempt, we’re still able to turn the page. How hard is Grover tryin’ here? He ain’t! Oh, he’s just puttin’ on like he is. He looks like he's scared. And he’s sellin’ it like the devil himself is waitin’ for you at the end. But, he ain’t really tryin’ to stop us from gettin to the end of the book.  Cause, of course, each time I manage to turn the page. What a surprise, right?
After Grover realizes that bindin' the pages together isn’t gonna work, he resorts to appealin’ to your emotions. If it’s not your head, he’s usin' your heart like an old rag to clean a turlet. “Please, do not turn the page. Please. Please. Please.” He goes on to beg. He’s that “scared” of the monster at the end of the book. Pul-lease!
 


So, it turns out that the monster at the end of the book is really Grover.
I told you that Grover will fuck with you any second he can. I don’t buy that he “forgot” that either. The whole dang book he’s messin' with ya. He’s worse than the crazy guy at the end of that movie “Saw”. And if you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, save yourself a few sleepless nights and DON’T SEE THAT MOVIE.


                                   Guess I did just ruin it for you…
 
The last page of the book is a simple one. I won’t ruin it for you. But, it holds the key to the whole story. I will tell you this, though. He should be embarrassed for screwin' with you so much!

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