Friday, December 30, 2011

No Shirt, No Shoes? You'll Learn! Pt3

Pick up the story here…

Voicemail.


Yes!  I didn’t have to talk to the Mother!  OKOKOKOK.  C’mon, now!  I didn’t just leave it at that.  Have you been following along here?  That's not what I'm about.  I left a message for her.  I even followed it up with a text!  How you like me now?  Whatever kind of person the Mother is, she still deserves the right to know what’s going on with the kids, at least according to the law.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Review: The Tree of Life


I’d love to give you a review of the movie The Tree of Life.  And I will.  Once I figure out what the hell was going on.  #iwouldntholdmybreath.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Repost: Easter Recap

(Editor's note:  Since we just closed the books on another successful, totally commericialized Christmas, I figured it was a good time to get you folks ready for Christams #2:  Easter!  Hey...don't give me that tone!  I guarendamntee Target's got Easter stuff already out in the back aisles of the store!  I am, what you might call, a bandwagoner!)

Originally published 4/2009  

As I’m going to painfully remind you, Easter was a few weeks ago.  The time of year when kids get all jimmied up on candy.  I think that it used to be a religious holiday, but I’m not entirely sure.  I can tell you, though, that I’m tired of these stupid holidays and how the retail outlets are making them into buying extravaganzas.  WTF!  It’s bad enough Santa gets all the credit for our hard work.  But, the bunny too????  C’mon!  I’m tired of doing all the leg work and the lazy ass characters getting all the credit.

Note from the Editor

Growing up, I used to hate when my favorite TV shows would go on winter break.  Remember, this was before the internets and cable TV.  Four channels, my friends, that was it.  God!  That sucked.  You’d have almost two weeks off from school and either it would be reruns or Battle of the Network TV Stars.  Those few weeks between Christmas and going back to school sucked.  For TV viewing, that is.
Well, guess what?  Fadderly’s picking up on that great tradition!  Reruns all this week!  Yes!!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Why?  Why am I doing this to you?  ‘Cause I’m tired, that’s why.  Your friendly neighborhood Jman is still nursing some sort of post-Christmas non-alcoholic hangover.  I can’t seem to get my ass moving here.
NONONONONO!  Don’t start crying.  I may have a new post come Friday.  But today’s?  Oh…it’s a rerun. For sure.  I mean, at this point, I might as well just turn this rambling into a real post.  My word count is starting to get a little too high here.  But, for you dear reader, that’s neither here nor there.
So…until I can get my ass into gear, I remain…
Tired.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Fadderly's Christmas Theory

Brought to you today without the expressed written consent of the always delightful Katy Perry…

                                         "Hello everyone!!!"

I’ve been a single dad for a bunch of years now. I won’t kid you, it ain’t easy raising 4 kids by yourself. Sure, sure, sure. I make it look easy, the greats always do. But, it ain’t. I like to say most days I’m living on a wing and a prayer. Even though I have no idea what that stupid expression means. I think it’s got something to do with barely hanging onto your sanity. Or some shit like that. Whatever. And what’s with the expression “May the road rise to meet you”? The hell does that mean? How the hell is that supposed to be inspiring? It’s all a bit beyond me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Preview:

"A few Christmases ago, I stumbled upon probably one of my greatest parenting triumphs.  I’m not bragging here.  I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made more than my fair share of parenting errors.  Like buying the kids Moon Sand.  Stick with the Play-Doh, folks.  You’ll be much happier.  Besides, Play Doh just smells so damn good!..."

Completely Random Photo of the Immediate Future

Saw this at Chick-Fil-A.  Cracked me up.


Beef eatrz.  Classic

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Planet of the Jakes: Meet Nolan. And Colan. The Special Edition.

(editor's note 12/28...i pulled a little George Lucas action here.  I updated this article, post-publishing.  Yea, that's right.  I'm an artist, damn it!  And this blog is my unfinished masterpiece!  If I want to add changes post-publishing, it's my prerogative!  Besides, the technology wasn't available at the time to do what I truly wanted when this post was originally published (last week).  So I went back and made some changes.)

Last weekend, I took Jethro and Jakob to see the Muppets. On the way out of the theater, after the movie was over, the two of them hit me up for quarters for the bank of gumball machines in the center of the mall.  These two obviously had forgotten who their ol’ man is.  Me?  Carry spare change?  As if!  All’s I carry are hundreds, buttheads! I ain’t got time for measly quarters! 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Preview:

Last weekend, I took the boys to see the Muppets. On the way out of the theater, the two of them hit me up for quarters for the bank of gumball machines in the center of the mall.  These two obviously have forgotten who their ol’ man is.  Me?  Carry spare change?  As if!  All’s I carry are hundreds, buttheads.
Either thru alchemy or panhandling, Jethro and Jakob came up with a few quarters and spent the next eternity fighting over the vending machines. After multiple threats on my part, I grabbed the two of them and dragged them out of the mall. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Me No Like Muppet Movie

Over the weekend, I took Jethro and Jakob to see the Muppets.  Rather than beat a dead horse with yet another pointless review that’s several weeks behind anyway, how’s bout we do something far more exciting?  Like talk about your friendly neighborhood Jman’s thoughts about everything BUT the movie?  We’ll call this the Bizarro Muppets review, k?  I’ll just spare you the backwards Bizarro speak, for now.  Sound good?  No?  TS!  I subscribe to the Facebook philosophy:  “If you’re not paying for the product, you are the product”.  So, buckle up and enjoy your “free” ride…
   

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Preview:

On a semi-related note, as usual, I threatened the boys up and down that I wasn’t taking either one of them to the bathroom in the middle of the movie.  I started the lecture before we left the house and continued it in the car ride to the theater.  I told them they had to take care of business before the movie started, or they were just gonna have to pee themselves, cause I wasn’t getting up. 
To make things a bit more challenging, I bought the super sized coke for the three of us (so what if it was 9:40 in the morning!  you can’t go to the movies and not have popcorn and a soda, amiright?) to share.  Jakob took the soda off the counter and I warned him again.  “Don’t drink too much.  I’m telling you…”

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Song(s) of the Immediate Future: Xmas edition

With all the Christmas music on the radio, I figured it was a good time for me to pile on the Christmas insanity bandwagon and trot out the ol’ “Song of the Immediate Future.”  The thing is, I really couldn’t single out just one Christmas song.  Much to my chagrin surprise, there were actually a few Christmas songs that I liked.  I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking: “I bet at least one song involves Justin Beiber.”  How bout this…go cram it with walnuts, if that’s what you’re thinking!  Do I look like a love starved school girl?  Don’t answer that.  You know, before this turns any uglier, how‘s about we get right to the songs?

Monday, December 12, 2011

Preview:

Sneaky peek:  Song(s) of the Immediate Future:  Xmas Edition
With all the Christmas music on the radio, I figured it was a good time for me to pile on the Christmas insanity bandwagon and  trot out the ol’ “Song of the Immediate Future.”  The thing is, I couldn’t single out just one Christmas song.  Much to my chagrin surprise, there are actually a few Christmas songs that I like.  I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking: “I bet at least one song involves Justin Beiber.”  How bout this…go cram it with walnuts, if that’s what you’re thinking .  Do I look like a love starved school girl?  Don’t answer that.  You know, before this turns any uglier, how‘s about we get right to the songs?

Friday, December 9, 2011

No shirt, no shoes? You'll learn! Pt2

You can find your refresher……here.
I admit, I’m probably never gonna win the coveted Father of the Year award.  Evar!  Even still, I suspect most parents would’ve probably been a tad more sympathetic to their child than I was at that moment.  I was pretty angry. But, I kept pressing that now bloody t shirt against Jethro’s heel.  “Where the hell are your shoes?!?!?” I hissed at him.
“I don’t know.”  Jethro sobbed uncontrollably in my lap.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Preview:


Sneaky peek:  No shirt, no shoes?  You’ll learn Pt 2.
I’d rather not say right now how much more I berated the wounded child.  I’m not proud.  Let’s just say by the time I was done, I wasn’t sure if the tears were from his foot or my words.  Oh….don’t give me that shit!  Don’t go feeling sympathetic for him.  He’s fine.  He lived to tell the tale.  Who you should feel sorry for is yours truly.  Yea, that’s right…me!  This is a one man show.  And the task of coordinating this circus on an average day is no easy feat.  But on the day of a black swan event?  Please?!?!?  A normal mortal would run in the other direction.  Me?  I just sigh, thank the big guy upstairs for yet another challenge to my sanity, and roll my sleeves up.  So, if you’re gonna feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for your friendly neighborhood Jman.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I know I wouldn't mess with Moses!


“Say hello to the spine tingling Giant Weta. What is a Giant Weta, you ask? Well, it's a gigantic cricket-like insect that's also the largest insect in the world. It's as heavy as three mice and even bigger than some birds. BE AFRAID LITTLE HUMANS.”

I don’t have an opinion about bugs one way or the other.  As long as they’re not in my food/eating space or in my bed (is there anything more skeevy than finding a bug, any kind of bug, in your bed?  I don’t think so.), I don’t have too much of a problem with them.  Even though this is OUR planet, I don’t mind sharing it with lesser humans beings (unless you’re a skunk, then we may have a problem.).


Friday, December 2, 2011

mmmmmmmm…chewy!!!

Your friendly neighborhood Jman’s gotta dance on a sensitive subject here.  No, not politics.  Or religion.  Or how horrible music is today (Cause it is. My apologies to all my teenage readers out there, but truth is truth.).  No, none of that stuff.  Who’s got time for such trivialities?  You?  Me?  Ha!  I’m knee deep in kids!  I ain’t got time for caring about that crap.  No, we’re gonna delve into more meaningful matters.