Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I know I wouldn't mess with Moses!

“Say hello to the spine tingling Giant Weta. What is a Giant Weta, you ask? Well, it's a gigantic cricket-like insect that's also the largest insect in the world. It's as heavy as three mice and even bigger than some birds. BE AFRAID LITTLE HUMANS.”

I don’t have an opinion about bugs one way or the other.  As long as they’re not in my food/eating space or in my bed (is there anything more skeevy than finding a bug, any kind of bug, in your bed?  I don’t think so.), I don’t have too much of a problem with them.  Even though this is OUR planet, I don’t mind sharing it with lesser humans beings (unless you’re a skunk, then we may have a problem.).

                        Get it?  Moses?  Locusts?  One of the plagues?  Whatever…

But, BUT...if I opened my door one day and saw this thing on the front step?  I’d probably run and scream in the other direction like the little girl I’m trying to pretend I’m not right now.  Seriously!  Look at that thing!  Just look at it! 

I did a little research on the internets about Giant Wetas.  I know we’re all in agreement that everything on the internet is the truth.  But, I can’t say I believe a word of what I read about these monstrosities.  Supposedly, these Giant Wetas are herbivores.  Uh-huh. Yea.  Right.  As if!  I don’t know who the hell these bugologist think they’re fooling.  Cause I have a feeling the second you take your eyes off one of those things, it’ll be eating the flesh clear off your bones.

Turns out Giant Wetas live in New Zealand.  Thank god!  Cause I’d be really afraid to let Snowflake out of the house at night if those things lived anywhere near good ol' Ben Salom.  And don’t laugh too hard at me.  I’ve seen a hawk land in my back yard and carry another smaller bird off that was minding it’s own fucking business.  There can be some scary shit going on around here.  Nature can be a lot not nice.  This is OUR planet, remember?  I can see it now.  I let the dog out, and when I go to let him back in, 1.5 hours later, he’d probably be carried off by one of those Wetas.  Stupid dog. 

              Show off.  He’s gonna get what he deserves.  A face full of bare skull...

If you take a moment and scroll further down on that post, there’s a comment from Stottdavid who hails from New Zealand:

“As a New Zealander, I can say that most houses in the bush have the (slightly) smaller version of the Giant Weta living all around us. You get used to what you got. What we don't got is snakes, bears, pretty much anything that bites. Kids run through the bush barefoot.”

Ok.  Okokokok.  Now, I’ve never been to New Zealand.  And I’m certainly not making fun of any New Zealanders.  Some of my best friends hail from there!  I’m just saying, when these Giant Wetas get together and form some sort of singularity consciousness and turn on New Zealanders, I’ll be really glad I’m living here in the good ol' US of A.  Where the only thing we gotta worry about are Wall Street bankers ripping us off.  The enemy you know...is better than the enemy of your friend.  Or however that quote goes.


  1. Where was Moses in all this? Once had a praying mantis in a flower planter outside the door. She (well she did seem a bit feminine) used to neatly sort through begonia leaves (like a matron searching through clothes on a department store rack) looking for little juicy buggies to chomp on. Sometimes she'd hop in my hand. They don't have many squiggly parts and are not too creepy-crawly looking... more like centaur chameleons. When I'd water the plants, she'd actually stand there waiting for me to carefully dribble water down her back. We named her Emerald and got very attached to her, until one day, when a real hateful son-of-a-bitch of a sea gull swooped down and.... Please, I don't want to talk about it.... No, really, I don't.

  2. Lol! Moses...plague of locusts...giant weta looks like a locusts. It's like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. I've had a few praying mantises (?) round here. They are abstractly cool.

    I totally hate sea gulls, thou...