Friday, December 2, 2011


Your friendly neighborhood Jman’s gotta dance on a sensitive subject here.  No, not politics.  Or religion.  Or how horrible music is today (Cause it is. My apologies to all my teenage readers out there, but truth is truth.).  No, none of that stuff.  Who’s got time for such trivialities?  You?  Me?  Ha!  I’m knee deep in kids!  I ain’t got time for caring about that crap.  No, we’re gonna delve into more meaningful matters.

Now, you know how I like to keep things romantic between us, right? I don’t want you to know all my secrets (Like how when I was 7, I got my head stuck in a fence…SHIT!  What is wrong with me?).  Do you have to see all my warts (Hey, listen.  It’s just an expression.  I don’t have any warts, k?). Does everything have to be in high def?  Isn’t there something to be said about a little distance and some Vaseline on the camera lens?

                                   Thought I was lyin’ didntcha?!?!?
All that being said, we have to break down the fourth wall.  I wanna talk about how I invented “kissing gum”, and in order to do that, we gotta talk about having bad breath.  Now, look, we all suffer from it.  I’ve seen some of the shit you people put in your mouths (Not that there’s any shame in that, I’m just sayin.) and quite frankly, it’s disgusting. So, spare me your highfalutin looks.
Because I suffer from a constant post nasal drip (I told you I had to get a little un-romantic, here.) I am completely paranoid about my breath.  I brush and floss constantly.  And because I’m a big fan of smoochin Kelly Marie, I’m even more paranoid.
But, sometimes you’re in a situation that you can’t brush your teeth, tongue, roof of your mouth, tonsils, etc.  Sometimes, you gotta go with the gum.  Sure, gum just masks the odors, but for a little French styled kissing?  You gotta do what you gotta do. Amiright?

            I’d still avoid the onion covered steak on dates, if I were you.  It ain’t a miracle worker
And hands down, the best gum on the market for breath freshening is Dentyne Pure.  And Dentyne knows it, too.  Cause there’s only 9 pieces in the pack, and it’s fucking expensive.  I buy it in bulk at Sam’s Club.  Let me tell you something.  If by the end of this article I don’t have a year’s supply of Dentyne Pure provide by Dentyne, I’m gonna be seriously pissed.
Where the problem lies (as all things usually do) is with my kids.  I don’t know what it is about it, but they love gum.  They love it like the poet 50 cent says…”like a fat kid love cake.”  The thing is this stuff ain’t a $.25 pack of Double Mint gum.  Like I said, the shit ain’t cheap.  So, I’ve taken to hiding it.  Why?  Because the kids used to ask for a piece, and when I would tell them no, they’d just go get it themselves.  Infidels!!!  WTF?!?!?  One day I even caught Natalia red handed.
I walked into my room, and she was standing there stuffing multiple pieces of gum in her face.  Multiple pieces!!!!
“What the hell are you doing?”  I asked, half crazed.
“Getting a piece of gum.”  Natalia replied casually.  As casually as one can with a shitload of $1.99/pack of gum stuffed in their cheek.
“That’s my gum!”
Natalia shrugged.  “I know.  I wanted a piece.”
A crowd had gathered at the doorway of my bedroom.  “Gum?”  I heard Sarah ask behind me.  “Can I have a piece?”
“Can I have a piece, too?”  Jethro chimed in.
“Me, too!” Jakob exclaimed, poking his head between Sarah and Jethro
“No!”  I said spinning around.  “You CAN NOT have a piece of gum!  None of yous!!!  It’s my gum!”

“Why?” Came the chorus.
“Why?  Why?  It’s my gum!  That’s why!  That shit’s expensive.  And besides, you guys eat it all, I’ll have none when I need it.”
“Why do you need it?”  Sarah asked, with a sort of insinuating expression about her.
“Yea…that’s right.” I shot her a dirty look.  “I’ll need it when I kiss Kelly Marie.” 
“Ooooooooo.  Kissy.  Kissy.”  Jethro teased.

 “That’s right.  That’s my kissing gum. And I don’t want it wasted on you uncultured swines, who don’t know Fruit Stripe gum from whale blubber!”  I said reaching over to grab what was left in the pack from Natalia.
The rest of the incident is unimportant.  It’s just a haze of tears and foot stamping, on my part, besides.  More importantly, that’s how I invented “kissing gum”. Ok, maybe I didn’t actually invent the gum itself, but I definitely invented the phrase.  And if Dentyne wants to compensate me in some way for their next marketing campaign, I accept cash or check.  My kids, though?  They have their own agent.  You’re on your own with them.
Now where’s my year supply of gum?

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