Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Planet of the Jakes: Meet Nolan. And Colan. The Special Edition.

(editor's note 12/28...i pulled a little George Lucas action here.  I updated this article, post-publishing.  Yea, that's right.  I'm an artist, damn it!  And this blog is my unfinished masterpiece!  If I want to add changes post-publishing, it's my prerogative!  Besides, the technology wasn't available at the time to do what I truly wanted when this post was originally published (last week).  So I went back and made some changes.)

Last weekend, I took Jethro and Jakob to see the Muppets. On the way out of the theater, after the movie was over, the two of them hit me up for quarters for the bank of gumball machines in the center of the mall.  These two obviously had forgotten who their ol’ man is.  Me?  Carry spare change?  As if!  All’s I carry are hundreds, buttheads! I ain’t got time for measly quarters! 

                                    And that's only my back up wallet.

Not only that, but I just spent 150 bucks on taking them to the movies.  Isn’t that good enough?  Why can’t they once say:  “You know what, Fadder?  You spend a lot of time and money on us.  Thank you very much.  We will be good and not ask for another thing for the next week and a half.”  Just once?  Don’t laugh at me!  A boy can dream, can’t he?  I don’t laugh at your dreams of being a rock star or a stripper!

Anyway, either thru alchemy or panhandling, they both managed to come up with a few quarters. They then spent the next eternity making the painful decision over what pieces of junk I was going to throw out 5 minutes later. After multiple threats on my part, I grabbed the two of them and dragged them out of the mall. 

these things keep Waste Management in business

Jakob ended up getting two fake mustaches, a blonde one and a brown one.  How do I know this?  Because he and Jethro bickered the rest of the way home about who’s mustache was who’s.  I’ll spare you the details.  But, believe you me, it was more than a bit surreal and way too complicated to draw out here.
Later on that evening, Kelly Marie and I were cleaning up after dinner.   We were talking about the day’s events; she loading the dishes into the dishwasher and I wiping down the table.  A noise from behind made me pause for a moment.  I turned around to find Jakob wandering into the kitchen, pretending nothing was unusual, wearing the blonde mustache.

(Hang on a second.  You’re not just gonna let that one go, are you? Tell me that last paragraph wasn’t just poetry in motion?!?!  Seriously! Not to mention the punctuation.  I mean, who the hell uses semi colons anymore, anyway? Besides for stupid emoticons?  ;) Fucking Twain’s got nothing on me!).

                            i'd totally kick this guy's ass in a write off!
“Oh!  Hello Jakob.”  I said stifling my laughter.  “You look…different.  Did you brush your teeth or something?” 
“No.”  He replied, as serious as the day is long.  “I’m not Jakob.  My name is Nolan.  Hello.”
I turned away, struggling with my laughter.  Kelly Marie?  Not so much.  She was full on cracking up.  “Hello, Nolan.” She managed between fits of laughter.
“Hello.” He nodded at her.
“Nolan.”  I confirmed, dramatically putting my arm around him, if only to buy myself some time.  I looked over in Kelly Marie’s general direction, but purposely not making eye contact.  “You know, Kelly Marie.  I bet Nolan’s the kind of kid that eats everything.”
“Yea?”  She responded, giving me a quizzical look.
 “Yep!”  I continued on.  “You know how Jakob is so flippin picky about his food, right?  Like he only eats certain foods depending on what phase the moon’s in?”
“Right!  Right!  Right!”  Kelly Marie smiled, playing along.
“I bet, though, there isn’t one thing Nolan here doesn’t eat.”  I said, nodding down to Nolan.  “I bet you put a plate of anything in front of him and he scarfs it right down!”
“You think?”  Kelly Marie asked.
“Yep!  Right, Nolan?”  I asked, looking down at him.
“Here.”  I interrupted Nolan, not giving him a chance to respond.   “Let me introduce you to the rest of the family.” Smiling, I led him past Kelly Marie to the steps of the basement.  The girls were watching TV on the sofa.
“Girls…” I called out, standing behind Nolan.  “I want to introduce you to someone.”
They both looked up and immediately started giggling.
“Say hello to Nolan.”  I said, introducing him with a grand gesture.
“Hi, Nolan.”  They replied simultaneously, playing along.
“Nolan is an exchange student.”  I paused for a moment.  “From China.”
“China?  Really?”  Sarah asked.  “I didn’t know they had little blonde boys with blonde mustaches in China.”
“Apparently, Nolan is of Swedish decent, part Swede, part Chinese.”  I confirmed, totally making it up as we went along.
“What happened to Jakob?” Natalia asked, feigning concern.
Sarah nudged Natalia in the side.  “Don’t you remember?  He got voted off the island last week.”
I worked hard keeping a straight face.  “No. No. No. No.  He’s away, visiting the home world.”
“Oh…..” They both nodded in reply.
“Nolan will be staying with us for an undetermined amount of time, isn’t that right, Nolan?”
Nolan looked up at me, his mustache had started to peel away.  “Yes.” He nodded seriously.  “Uhhhh, dad?” Nolan said, realizing his disguise was hanging off his face.
“Yes, Nolan?”
“Be right back.”  He spun around and beelined it to his room.

Next Planet of the Jakes:  Colan. Not Colon.


  1. OMG! LOL...that is hysterical. I love the mustache and w/ our 6 monsters I can honestly say I'm impressed if you get at least 5 minutes out of those throw away toys!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!

  2. I love "Nolan" LOL! What a crack up :0)

    P.S. Your blog is awesome!

  3. lol! thanks to you both. appreciate it! :)

    i was just showing off when i said 5 minutes. pretending like I was a patient, understanding parent. they're usually in the trashcan right outside the mall. :)

  4. Oh man the fighting over the mustaches - having two boys, I can just hear it now. The logic can be truly mind twisting. Oh, and you def kick MT's butt!

  5. LOL! the logic is classic. how they try to "reason" with one another is so funny. until it comes to blows. which is always does.

    i'd probably beat Twain in arm wrestling match too! :)