Originally published 4/2009
As I’m going to painfully remind you, Easter was a few weeks ago. The time of year when kids get all jimmied up on candy. I think that it used to be a religious holiday, but I’m not entirely sure. I can tell you, though, that I’m tired of these stupid holidays and how the retail outlets are making them into buying extravaganzas. WTF! It’s bad enough Santa gets all the credit for our hard work. But, the bunny too???? C’mon! I’m tired of doing all the leg work and the lazy ass characters getting all the credit.
But, I digress…
On Easter Sunday, the kids get up ungodly early, even after warnings the night prior not to. And if you do, remain in your bed, unmoving. Or so help me, to the Christ, I’ll shoot that damn bunny. But, they don’t listen. The boys are up at the crack of dawn, raring to go. After a quick prayer to the big guy upstairs to give me the strength (and energy) to deal with my overeager children, it’s off to celebrate Easter! Wooooooo!!!!!
First, we have our traditional full-contact easter egg hunt. Which went really well this year. No broken limbs. And only a few minor scrums. I learned a hard lesson last year. When my oldest, Sarah, collected 39 out of the 41 Easter eggs the Easter bunny hid. Whew! Talk about ugly. I might have to take the bottom three to therapy in a few years, they are still so scarred from the routing. This year, though, I let Jakob and Jethro go a few seconds early, just a few seconds, to find a few easter eggs. After that, it was every man for themselves. I think I only saw Sarah push Jakob out of her way once, maybe twice, to get an egg. I’m pretty proud of myself!
After the egg hunt, it’s off to the kitchen to dig into the ton of candy the Easter bunny left. Because, believe you me, this easter bunny don’t leave presents. Fucketh thateth.
that’s the bunny’s true nature
As the kids were shoveling candy down their collective gullets like zombies devouring live human flesh, the conversation at the table turned to the contents and the quality of the Easter baskets.
“I’m glad the Easter bunny brought us hollow bunnies this year.” Sarah said, picking through her basket.
“Why?” I asked, sticking my nose in the air.
“Because. Hollow bunnies are better!” She exclaimed.
I raised my eyebrow at her. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, dad.” Natalia chimed in, stuffing peeps in her face. “Hollow bunnies are the best.”
“Yea!” Jethro followed up, spitting particles of chocolate all over. Because, as usual, he standing on top of me. If he were any closer, he’d be on the other side of me.
“Do you have to eat in my ear!?!?” I said to Jethro, wiping the chocolate off my face. I pushily guided him to his chair. “Go sit down.” He happily grabbed his basket and moved over to his seat. “You,” I said pointing to each of them, “are sadly mistaken. Hollow bunnies are not better. They suck! The only way that a hollow bunny would be better is if it was stuff with more candy. Otherwise, you’re all out of your gourd.”
yea. That’s right. Easter Turducken!!!
“I like solid bunnies, Fadder!” Jakob finally chimed in, rivulets of chocolate streaming down his chin onto the table.
feast your eye on this one!!!
“Of course you do, Jakob.” I said, ruffling his blonde hair. “That’s why I love you the best.” Feeling something sticky, I looked at my fingers in his hair. For only the second time in five minutes I rolled my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. Still no extra patience from the big guy upstairs, though. I took a deep breath and questioned. “Please tell me that isn’t marshmallow peep in your hair...”