Friday, January 13, 2012

Planet of the Jakes: Meet Nolan. And Colan. PT 2

Catch up on the zaniness here
From over the kitchen countertop, I watched the top of a yellowhead walk back downstairs and through the living room.  “S’up Nol…whoa!!!”  I said with a bit of a shock, as Nolan/Jakob walked into the kitchen.
Nolan/Jakob now had a brown mustache in the place of the blonde mustache that was peeling off his face only moments before.  The yellowheaded kid standing there looked at me as if I was insane.  “I’m not Nolan.”
“You’re not?”  I asked with faux confusion.
“No.”  Nolan/Jakob/whoeverthiskidwasnow said plainly.
Kelly Marie stepped forward, giving me a knowing slap on the back of my shoulder.  “That’s…Colan!”  She said, playing along with the developing madness.
“Colan?”  I shrugged, turning my nose up at her.  “Who’s Colan?”
                                  Nolan.  Not Colan.  Or Jakob
“I’m Nolan’s brother.”  The newly anointed Colan spoke up.
I wagged my finger between Kelly Marie and Colan.  “You two…know each other?”
Now it was Kelly Marie’s turn to give me the “you’re crazy” look.  “Of course!”  She pointed at Colan/Nolan/Jakob/whoeverthiskidwasnow.  “That’s Nolan’s brother!”
I stamped my foot down on the green tiled kitchen floor.  “But, we just introduced Nolan to everyone!”  I pretended to protest.
“Are you feeling ok, babe?” Kelly Marie asked, touching her hand to my forehead.  “We’ve known Colan for years.”
“'We' have?”  I questioned.
“Yep!” Colan agreed.  “Years, Fadder!”
“Girls!”  I screamed out, trying to stifle a rising laugh.  Sarah and Natalia were still downstairs in the basement watching TV.  “Girls!  Do you guys know Colan?”
“What?” They screamed back in unison.
I forced Colan/Nolan/Jakob/whoeverthiskidwasnow over toward the basement steps.  I positioned him so both girls could see him.  “Guys.  Do you know Colan?”
The two of them covered their mouths, giggling.  “Yea, Fadder.  You don’t remember?” Sarah said.
“He’s been coming here for years!”  Natalia chimed in.
I spun Colan around to face me.  I gave him the once over, trying not to laugh at how ridiculous he looked with the fake brown mustache on, or how ridiculous this whole charade was getting.  “Is all this true?”
“Yep!” Colan nodded.
“Well…” I paused reluctantly.  “I guess it’s ok, then.”
I looked up as Jethro opened the front door.  “Hey!”  I called out to him.  “Jettboy! Do you know Colan?”
“Who’s Colan?”  Jethro asked, wrinkling his nose like he just smelled flounder that had been sitting in a pail of stagnant water, in the mid July Floridian sun for, like, 6 days or so (Nasty, right?  Still fucking poetry in motion, though).  Jethro tossed his hoodie onto the couch and walked into the kitchen.  “That’s just Jakob, Fadder.”  He paused for a moment.  “And he’s wearing my mustache!”
“No it’s not.” Colan shot back.
“Yes it is!” Jethro barged forward.  “Give it to me!”
“It’s not your mustache!”  Colan said, taking a step back behind me.
                                                                      image from
                                                                                            Man! That lil kid's about to buy it!

“Yes…”  Jethro reached out to grab the mustache.  “It is!”  he hissed.
I managed to grab Jethro’s hand before he could pull much of the mustache off of Jakob’s face.  “Jethro!  Stop!”  I yelled.
“It’s my mustache!”  Jethro insisted.
“Boys.  Come on.” Kelly Marie tried to reason with the unreasonable.  “You’re just gonna get in trouble.”
“No it’s not!”  Colan fired back ignoring Kelly Marie.  The brown mustache was peeling away from his face.  “You lost yours!”
                                                                                                                    image from
                  Bet you can't guess which is Jethro and which is Jakob.

I put myself between Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum.  “Colan!  Knock it off!”
“He’s not Colan, dad!” Jethro said.
Look, I’ll spare you from the rest of their inane arguing.  I mean, this went on for at least another five minutes.  And, basically it was “it’s not”/”it is” back and forth, with a few swipes at each other for fun.  I kinda wish I could’ve spared myself from it, to be honest. 
I yanked the fake mustache off Colan’s face like a day old band aid off a healing wound, returning Jakob to his normal state.  I absentmindedly stuck the fake mustache on the edge of the counter behind me.  “You two!”  I yelled.  “Enough!  Go to your room.”  I lowered my voice to a growl.  “And don’t say another word to each other!”
The two of them marched out of the kitchen to their room, shooting each other dirty looks the whole while.  I shook my head, in complete and utter helplessness.  “I don’t know about those two.” I said, turning to Kelly Marie.
“Hi!” She replied with a cheerful wave of her hand, the brown mustache affixed to her upper lip.  “My name is Dolanny.  I’m Nolan and Colan’s older sister! Wanna make out?”
My stomach was cramped for days I laughed so flippin hard…


  1. LOVE IT! I am still laughing...I love those gut wrenching laughs! Maybe you should get some beards and sideburns too...

    1. he was so serious, too! like he totally was fooling us with the mustaches...

  2. Oh. My. GOSH! You are sooo funny! I love this. At one point (when I read this line: “He’s not Colan, dad!” Jethro said.) I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair!

    1. thanks! :) i swear the two of them argue over the silliest things. i've heard them argue over math problems after i've put them to bed!

  3. The beauty in kids is you never know what they will do next! haha.

    1. isn't that the truth!?!? especially with Jakob. he defines "random".