Friday, February 10, 2012

Thank God for: Technology

I was at my local supermarket, last Saturday, doing my daily food shopping.  Why daily you ask?  Cause usually there’s a transaction like thus that goes down in my house:
“Fadder.  There’s nothing to eat, Fadder.” 
“Well, there might be if you little piggies didn’t continuously stuff your faces!”
That, in a nutshell, is why they know me by name at my local supermarket(s). 
In any case, I had my basket full of groceries and headed on down to the check out.  Now, the thing about your friendly neighborhood jman is that I hate the self-check out.  I really do.  I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  “Why?  It’s soooo convenient.  There’s hardly ever lines and best of all, you don’t have to interact with another human being.”  Look, if that’s what you’re thinking, then that’s pretty sad!  We’re social beings, people.  It’s ok to smile, say hello and stand awkwardly around for 5 minutes or so while some stranger touches/examines/fondles each one of your items.  And you know they’re trying to figure out what exactly will be going on that night when you’ve got whipped cream, chocolate covered strawberries and flowers on the conveyer belt in front of you.
                                    The line for the manned register is around the block!
The thing about using the self-check out is that you’re doing the work!  The store should pay YOU for doing the work they used to pay someone else to do.  Now, I know they aren’t going to, but, perhaps a discount?  C’mom!  Some of these stores have a bank of 6 registers for you to check yourself out.  That’s 5 people they no longer have to employee (they still have one cashier to man that bank of registers)!  We should get something in return for doing the labor, amiright?!?!?
Meh…forget it.  Just forget it.  Don’t bother getting yourself upset now.  It’s too late.  Us monkeys have already been trained to do the job.  I guess I should just be thankful they don’t charge us to use the self-check out.  Like the banks charge us to use the ATMs.  Holy shit!  Maybe I shouldn’t have just said that!  Let’s just move on before I hand out any more “bright ideas”
Whenever I can, I make it a point to go to a manned register.  But, of course, most of the time the stores only have two alive humans working the registers.  And that generally means the lines are to the back of the store.  So, I’m forced to use the self-check out.  Why should this time be any different?  Off to the self-check out for me!
Blah, blah, blah.  I check out, the total comes to $70 odd dollars.  I run my debit card through and…declined.  WTFMFF!?!?  Tell me, is there a worst feeling than standing at the register, a cart full of goodies already checked out and you get a declined card?!?!  Yea.  There is…when you’re standing at a MANNED register, a cart full of goodies already checked out and you get a declined card!  How embarrassing!!!
                      Don't you feel like this is a crap shoot sometimes!?!?
Fortunately for me, no one was in line behind me (cause they were all in line to be checked out by the humans).
I didn’t panic, either.  I knew there was money in my account.  Quick as lightning I was on my iPhone, tapping away at my bank’s website.  I logged into my account and transfered the money from my savings to my checking account.  As soon as I get the confirmation page on the website that the transaction is complete, I swiped the card.  I mean, it wasn’t even a second between getting the confirmation page and me swiping the card again.  I didn’t even pray to the big guy upstairs or anything.   I just swiped…

And holy fucking shit!  The money was there!  I was able to pay for my purchase!  It probably took longer for the synapses in my brain to send the signals out to my hand to swipe the card than it did for that transfer to take place.  And this was on a Saturday too!?!?!?  Holy fucking shit!?!?  I mean, how many times does your computer fuck up?  Leave you hanging (especially when you’re looking at porn installing new software)?  All the time, right!?!?
        The big guy upstairs.  Hey!  You see him as you want!  This is how I do!
So…I’d like to take this moment to thank the big guy upstairs for putting the idea in the guy (or gal’s) head to invent technology.  GOD!!! I LOVE TECHNOLOGY!!!!


  1. This is hilariously awesome: "The store should pay YOU for doing the work."
    I totally agree :0)

    But that's because I love the self checkout. Let me plead my case. It's a big game to me. There are about ten million self check out spots at the store I go to. And only one register that's actually manned. Odds are, someone is always at the self check out. That's when I wait things out, to start the race of a lifetime. I refuse to let the other customers go faster than me! They don't even know we're racing, but that's all right since they never have to know they lost.

    Those people who check themselves out (yes that sounds narcissistic) they're a bunch of slowpokes. Beating them ALWAYS makes my day :) *still giggling*

    1. LOL! ugh...the self check out. it's the bane of my existence. i use it all the time, but...hate it. especially when i got to wait for the employee working the self-checkout. i always feel like a moron when i scan something wrong. or the machine tells me to put the item in the bag, and i have, but it's still insisting that i didn't. rrrrrrrrr!!!!

  2. For me technology has always been a love/hate relationship...but I fear I am becoming co-dependent. I never could figure out how the bank justified the whole ATM thing...consequently, I don't use one.

    1. oh...don't get me started on banks. please. i've written a thing or two about banks in my day. not real positive, either!!!