My ol' man...god bless him! He’s a flippin mechanical genius. He’s never met a thing he couldn’t fix. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything he couldn’t take apart, and put back together. It’s his gift. Some people out there can throw footballs really far. Some people can fix the shit out of things. And some people, well, write “funny” blogs. Gee…thanks, God. Thanks a lot!
Some superscientican probably built this. Show off.
The ol’ man has a theory. Actually...he HAS several theories. I won’t get into all of them here, but, this one in particular, is fairly true. It goes like this: as a kid, you progress in the toys you play with. You start with stupid, noisy kid toys, then move to “building” toys like Lincoln Logs. After that, you move to Legos, then it’s onto Erector sets. After that? You’re working for Boeing, making space rockets out of carbon nano tubes and shit.
That is, unless of course, you’re me. See…your friendly neighborhood jman never quite made it out of the Lego stage, much to the chagrin of my ol’ man. Nonono. It’s fine. It’s fine. I think we’ve both come to terms with my slight retardation. My point in relating all this, is that awhile back, Kelly Marie’s son, Christopher, asked me to help him put together an Erector set he got for Christmas. Which, if my ol’ man was anywhere around when the kid asked to do it (and thank god he wasn’t), he would’ve busted a gut on the irony.
Those screws were smaller than these!
So, yea! Of course I helped him put the set together! But, let me tell you something. What a fucking pain in the ass! The second I’m trying to screw one of those little tiny nuts onto those little tiny screws? I totally remembered why I never made it out of the Lego stage (Look, to be quite frank with you, I’m not even sure I still know the difference between a nut and a screw. Goddamn! Why does all that sound so dirty?). What a pain in the ass!!! After I managed to strip the fourth screw in a row, I’m thinking to myself (who else would I be thinking to?) “Who likes this shit?!?!? This is fun?!?!? This is fucking work! This is the exact reason why I put off fixing shit/projects at my house. This blows!!!”
Chris' "Lego Lab" is a little bigger, actually
Meanwhile, on the other side of the table Christopher and I were working on is a pile of Lego boxes. It’s what the kid affectionately calls his “Lego Lab”. I look over at the pile of Lego sets just waiting to be put together, then at Christopher. “Are you sure you don’t want to put those Legos together or something, Chris?”
“Nah.” He replied. “Let’s just finish putting this tank together.”
“Really???” I begged. Yea. That’s right. I begged the 6 year old. I could put those Legos together with my eyes closed. We could be building some serious cool shit. Not a stupid tank that doesn’t even look like a tank, although, that could be my fault.
Still don't know the difference between a nut and a screw, do you son?
All the while this is going on, I swear my ol’ man is hanging out behind me like Obi-Wan’s ghost at the end of Star Wars. But, not in that helpful, spiritual way. Nah. I can sense my ol’ man laughing his ass off, saying: “I told you to play with that Erector set more often when you were a kid. I told you.” Yea. Great. Thanks, Dad.
The tank sorta ended up looking like this.
I eventually finished the tank. Or whatever it was supposed to be. Christopher giving up long ago, settling on the 24 hour marathons of Spongebob Nick has on any more. What probably should’ve taken 7 minutes and no tears, took about an hour and a half and a floor full of wet Kleenex. But, as another of my ol’ man’s theories goes…”work expands to the time allotted.”
Yea. Great. Thanks, Dad.