Friday, March 30, 2012

Planet of the Jakes: Brian Strikes Again!

One day, not long ago (how many times can I start these stories with “the other day” or “a few nights ago”?  it ain’t very original of me.  how can I possible live up to the self appointed title “the next Mark Twain” if I keep using the same phrases over and over again?!?! ) I had to pick Jethro up early from school.  Because all my kids have passed through this elementary school, the faculty there pretty much know me by sight.  I thought about petitioning the school board to name the school after me, but…I’m not that vain.  Actually, that’s not true at all.  I am that vain.  I’m just too lazy to do it.
                                         “Bitch, please!”
The office staff knows me so well, in fact, that when I “buzz” the front door to get into the school, they don’t even bother asking me what my business is.  They just say “Hello, Fadderly.  How are you?” And buzz me right in.
                       Oh, is that you again, Fadderly? Come in!  Come in!
I made my way to the administration office, said my hello’s to the staff, and waited for Jethro to be released from class.  As I was sitting by one of the large windows overlooking the school’s main thoroughfare, I happen to look up as a row of little kids walked down the hallway toward the admin office.  One kid in particular was off in his own little world, not so much walking with the other kids, but more alongside them.  I laughed to myself.  Kids are so stupid.  No sooner does that thought leave my brain when I realize that yellow-headed kid walking to his own drum was Jakob.  
Per his teacher’s instruction, the kids lined up against the wall across from the admin office.  I lean over, opened the door and called out “Jakob!!!”
He froze for a moment, stunned.  He must’ve been in a panic.  I’m the only one who calls him “Jakob”.  He probably was thinking: “God damn!  Now he’s at school?  I can’t get a moment’s peace!  Can’t that motherfucker just leave me be?!?!”  I watched Jakob look all around until he finally spotted me.  “Fadder!”  He rather cheerfully called out.
I shook my head, chuckling.  “S’up…”Ob”?” I asked, still leaning out the door.
“Nutin’” He shrugged.
“Well, you’re doing a fine job at it, son.”  I replied, rolling my eyes at him.
“Whatever, Dad.”
“Whatever, Jakob.”  I said.  His friends had started gathering around him, whispering in his ear and nodding in my general direction.  “Is that your dad?!?!” I heard one of them ask a bit incredulously, I might add.  Apparently kids don’t know how to process a dude with long hair.  It makes their brains misfire or something.
                                    “Hi kids!!!!  I’m Jakob’s daddy!”
“Yea.  That’s my dad.”  He confirmed with an embarrassed roll of his eyes.  The turd is 8 years old!?!?  And he’s acting all embarrassed by my appearance?  I expect that kinda crap from Sarah.  But Jakob!?!? 
His teacher strolled up to the head of the line, and started leading them away.  “See ya!”  I called out to him, closing the door. “Wouldn’t want to be ya!”
Jakob stood there, shaking his head.  I watched through the window as he and his friends continued their animated discussions.  The teacher called after them.  I waved to all of them through the window as they finally started to walk away.  “Wait!”  I called out, as I quickly leaned over again to open the door.  “Jakob!”
He spun around.  “What???”  He asked like he was caught doing something.  Again.
“Oh…tell Brian I said “Hi”.”
Jakob turned back around, blowing me off.  Brian’s not real, dad.”
I stifled a laugh.  “He’s gonna be so mad when he finds out you said that.” I called after him.
“Whatever, Fadder.  Whatever…”


  1. Ha - you should totally tell Brian...Hey, what do we live for if not to harass our kids?

    1. Lol!!! I know, right?!?! For all that they give to us, it's our duty to return the favor!