Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Planet of the Jakes: Chicken Patties. Pt. 1

I don’t know if I ever told you guys this, but Jakob is a picky eater.  Seriously.  He is.  What foods he likes literally changes day to day, moment to moment.  As a family, we “joke” about it a lot, but it’s flippin frustrating at times.  Like when I was going through his school bag one day and the brown paper bag that housed his lunch the night prior was still there in his book bag.  I didn’t think much about it at the time.  I just tossed the crumpled up lunch bag into the trash.

Now, you might think I’m crazy, to hang around with you.  Or maybe you think I’m lucky, to have something to do that lunches would be easier to deal with than dinners.  I’m not sure why you would think that, cause it ain’t true.  At all.  Not only does Jakob have a tempermental eating style, the kid’s “allergic” to peanut butter.  WTF?!?!?  Nothing's easy.  Toss in his pickiness and the only kind of sandwich the kid will eat is Ham.  Oh, and no cheese, btw.
                           The kid don't know what he's missing!!!
So, to find his lunch bag still in his book bag after the school day was over, well, that was mildly irritating.  But, if there's one thing your friendly neighborhood jman is good at, it’s ignoring shit.  After a few days of finding his lunch in his school bag, though, even I had to find out what the deal was. 
Turns out the lil turd was eating everything, but the sandwiches!  WTF?!?!?  Why couldn’t Jakob just be like every other kid and either trade up his sandwich or throw it the hell out?  Noooooo…he had to leave it in his bag for me to find and be supremely irritated by.  I couldn’t take it anymore and pulled him aside one day.
                                The Earl of Sandwich would not be pleased with Jakob.
“Jakob.” I called out to the boy as he walked toward me in the kitchen.
“Yes, Fadder?”  He asked in his usual carefree style.
“Why aren’t you eating the sandwiches I pack you for lunch?”  I asked.
He shrugged indifferently, like I was asking him if he understood Stephen Hawking’s theories on the universe.  “I don’t know.”
How could he not know?  I gave him a quizzical look.  “What do you mean, 'you don’t know'?”
“I don’t like them, I guess.”
“Since when don’t you like ham sandwiches?”
“I don’t know.  Awhile.”
“Jakob.”  I said, feeling a smidge frustrated.  “You’ve been eating them all year.  Now all the sudden you don’t like them?”
He shrugged in reply.
Well, you can’t argue with that kind of logic. “Ok.  Fine.  What kind of sandwich would you eat then, your majesty?”
“Ummm…”  He said thoughtfully looking into the ether.  “Chicken patty.”  He said with a satisfied nod.
“What???  Chicken patty?”
“Yea.  You know.”  He put his hands together to form a circle, because apparently I’m an idiot.  “The round ones”
                                    How the boy probably sees me.
“Yea.  I know what you’re talking about.”  I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with him.  “How are you going to eat them?”
Jakob shrugged again in reply.  If nothing else, the kid was an excellent communicator.
“There’s no microwave at school for you to heat them up.”  I continued.
“So?  All my friends eat chicken patties.”
“I’m sure they do, you follower.  But, I’m sure they buy them at school.  You know, where they serve them…HOT”
“Ok?”  Jakob questioned.
“Your's will be cold.”
“Jakob, chicken patties are frozen when you buy them.”
“But, it won’t be frozen when I eat them at lunch.”
“You can’t eat raw chicken patties, Jakob!!!”
                                        Mmmmm...frozen delights.
“Actually, Dad, They’re not raw.” Sarah chimed in from across the living room.  “They’re cooked.  They’re just flash frozen.”
“Where did you come from?”  I asked, shooting her a dirty look.
“I’ve been sitting here the whole time, listening to you two geniuses go back and forth.”  She replied from the computer desk.
“Mind your own business.”  I said, more than slightly annoyed with her intrusion.
“Just sayin.”  She replied in her archetypal 15 year old style.
Welcome to my own private Idaho.  “Mind your own business.”  I repeated, holding my dirty look just a moment longer.   I turned my attention back to Jakob.   “I’m not giving you chicken patties for lunch.  Got it?”  I said, slamming my hand down on the counter. “You can keep eating ham sandwiches.  And that’s the end of it.” 
                                               So let it be written.  So let it be done.
But, it really wasn’t…


  1. You make me laugh so hard and I swear my youngest and jakob are related somehow. Mine only eats peanut butter sandwiches...everyday, 5 days a week and nothing else - sometimes with jelly, sometimes with nutella (well, he is related to me too, I guess ha)!

    1. it'd be sooooooo much easier if that's what he would eat. one thing. it's a total crap shoot with this kid.

      and he's even particular about the ham i get. how bout this? how bout YOU EAT WHAT I BUY YOU?!?!?!?!?

      the thing is, he probably wouldn't eat. just to prove the point.

  2. My son communicates just as well.
    Also? He wants me to cook him hot dogs on toasted buns and deliver them to him for lunch. He'll make a lovely dictator one day.
    Came from Finding the Funny. And I found it here, dude.

    1. let me tell you, that has to be one of the funniest things i've seen in awhile "He'll make a lovely dictator one day." Classic! Still lmao...

      thanks for stopping by. and thanks for commenting!!!

  3. Oh, man, I have to agree with your son. I am not a sandwich fan. He's probably tired of ham already. Ha! I know I sound high maintenance, but I guess I sort of am with my sandwiches. I guess Subway has spoiled me. Kids should just eat ham sandwiches, though, right? It's definitely better than a frozen chicken patty!

    1. Glad you linked this up for #findingthefunny! It was perfect for it, of course. :)

    2. i've offered alternatives, but he's just not interested. except for buying lunch, that is. which, is probably what he really wants. if he wanted to buy lunch everyday, he should've been born to that Trump guy. :)

      thanks for hosting findingthefunny. and thanks for having me! really appreciate it!!!

  4. I can't blame him for sunny not liking something he ate all year. This happened to me several times in my elementary years and my mother would get so mad. Sometimes, I just get tired of the same food and wake up one day gagging at the thought. Still happens to me now! And Sarah is right, they are not raw. Just as I read that part, I was thinking well. He could cook it and pack it thawed and then he'll have a cold chicken patty and that will be gross and he might suddenly think pbj is the best.

    1. yea. i agree with you. eating the same thing day in and day out gets real old. but, he won't eat anything else?!?! if he got tired of ham sandwiches and wanted tuna fish or chicken salad for a switch? no prob. but, he won't eat that, either...